Hi. Firstly, I would like to say…. “Don’t Expect too much”
after reading the title above. Because
this is only a love letter for (perhaps) my soul-mate. This is not kind of
smart writing or psychological article.
But, I’ll start from the word: obsession. I know this girl, since….. I don’t know when.
Maybe, since my life started (?). All I know is I exist only for her, and she
probably the only one who knows me very well. This girl, I wonder, has an
excessive obsession to me. She depends on me too much. Am I
annoyed? Nope. Not really, I mean. I am just quite worry about it. I believe, she
is worry too, but she just won’t care. What a moron.
She is a nice girl, with an evil side. Well, she has pretty much of evil thoughts.
But she won’t do that (Perhaps, will never able to do that). I think she’s a
normal person. She is an ordinary girl, who thinks a lot about action and
reaction, to do lists and its’ consequences. A messy-yet-organized creature. I
thought that, she and I make a perfect balanced yin and yang because we just
like a mirror─an inverse reflection: Different in the similarity. Then, I realized
I was wrong once she asked me to make a decision for her social life. I started
‘take over’ about her and she ‘give in’ everything to me
In the beginning, I just tried to strengthen her other side.
Because she was fragile, I asked her to be stronger; because she carried her
feeling too much, I taught her to use her brain; because she was so trustful, I
told her to distrust others. Because she was so serious, I accompanied her to
chat, so she can have some fun. All I
planned is not to let her be buried in desperation.
But, she just doubled my doings. She didn’t only use her
brain but also contemplating everything, she considerately takes an action of
everything (mostly ended up by taking no action). She is not only distrustful
of others but also fears of them. She is not only having some fun with me, but
she builds our own world. Now, there she
is: a stubborn girl who is full of pride with a high prestige and hesitation.
Then, she started building a thick-cold barrier camouflaged by me.
We seem become a mixed person. No longer a yin yang.
She almost drags herself out from other people. “I guess
I’ll be ok, I have you” she said. It’s creepy and crazy. I literally
can’t do anything for her!
Then, I’ve decided to write her a letter. So she can read it
over and over again and break the barrier of her own, or, at least let others
to break in. It’s time for me to ‘give in’
Oke, here’s the letter.
Dear you, my puzzled girl.
Since we both cannot be separated, I know that you think,
we have influenced each other. But that’s not what happened. What actually
happen is that you are the only one who gets influenced. I am a guy who never
be born, yet haven’t grown. I live in limitless time and space. But, you
don’t.
You believe that I’m your living zing and I do hope so.
But, don’t you think that I am also your life distraction?
You always compare everyone with me. Oh c’mon! You know I
won’t be compared. And it’s impossible you make everyone become so much like
me. So, just live with them as they are, and live yourself as who you are.
Don’t be anxious! I
won’t ask you to ‘Let me go’. I know you’ll mad (as always) if I say that.
This time, I will only say to you to stop depending on me.
I know it’ll be hard for you. But, I need you to change. That’s what we want,
right?
Take your turning turn!
All you need is human kind who is attractive enough to
‘steal’ your attention from our world; strong enough destroy your prestige
without disparage your pride; wise
enough to show you what the real fear is and still be there for you to against
it; honest enough to give you the real trust to beat hesitation together; smart
enough to defeat your twisted-brain
logic and make it straight. The one who smoothly comes through your barrier.
And that one is not me! Find others, you dummy puzzled girl! There are
zillions living creatures in this world. Expands your sight! Explore your own
life! Take a step! Don’t make plan! Just let it flow! Lost in the jungle of
life and find your own direction! Ah. I think I talk too much. Ok enough.
P.S. Don’t worry, I’m still here as your back up. Until
‘letting me go’ becomes your own decision.
With Love
Only yours,
Adrian,
(a.k.a Shinichi)
*****
I smile
as I read a love letter in my old desk.
I’m so tickled thinking about how lunatic I was, writing that letter by
my own hand. But now, I remember about him. I have never talked to him again
for these recent seven years.
“ You
just smile to a piece of paper, like crazy”
Someone knocked the
opened-door of my room.
“Yah..
no wonder! It’s a love letter~”
“WHAT?
You got a love letter!?”
His baritone voice rises
into the highest octave. Then, he takes the letter.
“Yup.
From Shinichi”
“Oh..
that moron..” he said lightly, returning the letter after skimming that.
“ He’s
my best friend!”
“ya…ya..ya..
I know. But still, I’m best of the best lifetime friend of yours, right? Now,
get ready! Your other real best friends are downstairs. It’s holiday and oh god…they
really come! You know, I can’t handle their children.” we both laugh.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*Further information about Maladaptive Daydreaming
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